Hidden in Plain Sight: When Trauma Masks Inattentive ADD in Women

Karen Law
2 days ago
5 min read

Have you ever wondered why things that seem easy for others feel like a mountain for you? Why your mind drifts during conversations, you forget appointments, or leave tasks half-finished. Not because you don’t care, but because your brain simply won’t hold on to the thread?

For many women, especially those who’ve experienced trauma, these patterns are often chalked up to “being scatterbrained,” “anxious,” or “just overwhelmed.” But what if there’s more going on beneath the surface?

The Quiet Face of ADD in Women

When most people hear “ADHD,” they imagine hyperactivity: bouncing off the walls, interrupting, fidgeting nonstop. But that’s only one part of the picture. The inattentive presentation of ADD (formerly known as ADD without the H) looks very different. And ADD in women is even more likely to be missed or mislabelled.

Women and girls are often socialised to mask their struggles. They might be daydreamers, labelled as “shy” or “spacey.” They might develop anxiety or perfectionism as a way of coping with the internal chaos. Some seem capable on the outside but feel like they’re constantly falling behind, burning out just to stay afloat.

My Story: Recognising Myself in the Pages

Young woman in black shirt sitting at a desk, overwhelmed with work. She's holding a pen and covering her face. A clock and lamp are present.

I first came across Gabor Maté’s Scattered Minds years ago. It fascinated me, especially the links he drew between early trauma and attention difficulties. But still, I thought, “That’s interesting… but it’s not really me.”

It wasn’t until much later (just last year, in fact) that something finally clicked. I picked up one of Sari Solden’s books on women and ADHD, and suddenly I felt like someone had been watching my life and writing it down. Her words captured so many of the things I’d struggled with silently for years: the overwhelm, the guilt, the emotional intensity, the masking.

It was like being seen for the first time.

That realisation brought a huge wave of relief, grief, and curiosity. Relief that there was an explanation. Grief for all the years I’d blamed myself. And curiosity about how to move forward in ways that support my actual brain, not just the one I was trying to force myself to have.

Trauma and Inattentive ADD: A Complicated Mix

If you’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood, the lines between trauma symptoms and ADD symptoms can blur. Dissociation, memory gaps, difficulty focusing, feeling overwhelmed or scattered… these can all be part of the trauma response and of inattentive ADD.

And here’s the thing: you might have both. Trauma can amplify the struggles of a neurodivergent brain. And for many women, the trauma came first, often in environments where their differences were misunderstood or punished instead of supported.

In my work with clients, I often hear stories like:

“I thought I was lazy for years.”
“I can’t remember big chunks of my life.”
“I always feel like I’m too much and not enough at the same time.”

These are not personal failings. They’re survival strategies that made sense at the time, and they often hide a deeper truth.

Signs You Might Have Inattentive ADD (and Not Know It)

If any of these resonate, it might be worth exploring further:

You struggle to organise your thoughts, plan ahead, or follow through on tasks, even ones you care about deeply.
You’re easily distracted, especially when you’re trying to focus.
You feel emotionally flooded or paralysed when faced with “simple” decisions.
You work hard to mask your struggles, often burning out in the process.
You’ve spent years thinking you just weren’t trying hard enough.
You hyperfocus on one thing while completely forgetting something else that was time-sensitive.
You move between tasks without finishing them, then wonder what you were even doing in the first place.
You often leave cabinet doors, drawers, or cupboards open without noticing. (Yes, that’s a thing!)

When Everyday Life Feels Like a Puzzle

For me, and for many other women with inattentive ADD, procrastination isn’t about laziness or lack of ambition. It’s about overwhelm. A task that seems small to someone else can feel completely unmanageable when your mind can’t hold the steps in order or predict how long it will take. The result? You put it off, feel awful, and then judge yourself for the spiral.

Then there’s object permanence, not just a developmental milestone for babies, but something many adults with ADD struggle with too. If something is out of sight, it’s out of mind. You put the important paperwork in a “safe place”… and never see it again. You clean the house and forget where you’ve put things. You buy doubles and triples of things you already own, but can’t find.

Relationships can also be deeply affected. You might miss social cues, forget birthdays, or zone out during conversations. And carry enormous guilt afterwards. You may find it hard to stay emotionally present in a long conversation or juggle the mental load in a partnership. And often, you’ve internalised the belief that you’re just “too much” or “not enough.”

All of this can leave you feeling misunderstood, even in close relationships, especially if the people around you don’t know what’s really going on beneath the surface.

What Healing Might Look Like

Person with tattoos holds a mug of coffee, sitting on a blue couch by a window with a garden view. The mood is relaxed and contemplative.

Uncovering a hidden pattern like inattentive ADD can be a huge relief. It brings clarity and self-compassion, two things that are vital in any healing journey.

Support for trauma is essential, but so is understanding the way your brain actually works. When women begin to unpick these threads, they often find new possibilities: freedom from shame, better systems of support, and tools that actually work for their nervous system.

In my own work, I offer trauma-informed approaches that respect the whole person: body, mind, energy, and spirit. Whether it’s bodywork to soothe a frazzled system, or coaching to rewire limiting beliefs, the goal is always to help you feel safe in your own skin, and more you than ever before.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been moving through life feeling like something just isn’t adding up, always working harder than others to hold things together, you are not alone. And you are not broken.

Your challenges might be rooted in more than just trauma. You may be living with an undiagnosed neurodivergence like inattentive ADD. Hidden, but not uncommon.

There is support. There are answers. And there’s a way to make peace with your past and your brain.

Want Support?

If any of this feels familiar, I invite you to get in touch. I offer trauma-informed support for women healing from childhood and birth trauma... and I understand how neurodivergence can shape the healing process.

Together, we can explore gentle, effective ways to help your nervous system settle, your mind feel clearer, and your body remember what safety feels like.

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