You imagined something different. Maybe you thought you'd feel strong, connected, or calm. Maybe you hoped for a particular moment: a first cuddle, a birth without intervention, a partner by your side. And when it didn’t happen that way, something in you changed. Whether your birth was traumatic, unexpectedly medicalised, or simply not what you’d hoped for, the grief can be quiet and heavy. It may not be visible to others. But it’s real. This kind of grief isn’t about wishing your baby wasn’t here. It’s about mourning what you  needed and didn’t get. Grief in the Shadows Grieving the birth you didn’t have is often hidden. Others might say, "But your baby’s fine. That’s all that matters," or, "At least nothing went seriously wrong." But your body still remembers what it hoped for. Your nervous system still holds the shock, the adrenaline, or the pain of things moving too fast or spiralling out of control. And your heart still longs for what might have been: a calm birth, a moment of pride, a feeling of choice or agency. It’s not just about what happened, or the eventual birth mode. It’s about how supported you felt by your healthcare providers, your partner, and those around you. It’s about whether you were part of the decision-making process. It’s about whether you still felt safe as plans changed or alternatives were suggested. This grief doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you’re human. Signs You Might Be Grieving the Birth You Didn’t Have Even if you wouldn’t describe your birth as traumatic, you might notice: Feeling numb or detached when you think about the birth A deep sadness or heaviness you can’t quite explain Difficulty hearing other people’s birth stories, especially if they sound positive or empowering Guilt about "not doing it right" or not feeling how you expected to feel Feeling let down by your body, care team, or yourself Anxiety about future births A sense of disappointment that lingers, even when others think you should be “over it” Naming the Loss is Part of the Healing Acknowledging that something painful happened, that something important was missing, is often the first step toward healing. You might not be able to rewrite the birth, but you can honour your experience. You can let go of shame. You can give yourself the compassion you needed at the time. In my work, I hold space for people to explore this kind of grief without judgement or pressure. Whether your story is full of obvious trauma or quiet heartbreak, you are allowed to feel what you feel. You are allowed to grieve a birth that was hard, even if others think it "could have been worse." You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone You might be wondering, What now? Healing starts when you’re met with safety, presence, and permission to feel. I offer gentle, trauma-informed support to help you: Honour your story, even if no one else understands it Set down the guilt, the shame, or the self-blame Reconnect with your body, your intuition, and your sense of safety Feel more grounded, calm, and whole. One breath at a time I work in a way that’s flexible, compassionate, and tailored to you. There are no waiting lists, no pressure to retell everything, and no expectation to heal on anyone else’s schedule but your own. You don’t have to explain everything. You don’t have to relive it. You just have to arrive, as you are. Final Thoughts You don’t have to pretend it was OK. You don’t have to push your feelings down to be a good parent. You can grieve, and you can heal. If you’re holding pain from a birth that didn’t go the way you hoped, I see you. And I’d be honoured to walk with you as you make peace with what happened, and find your way back to yourself. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #BirthGrief #BirthDidntGoToPlan #GrievingTheBirthYouDidntHave #PostnatalHealing #EmotionalRecoveryAfterBirth #YouAreNotAlone #TraumaInformedSupport #HealingAfterBirth #HiddenGrief

Have you ever wondered why things that seem easy for others feel like a mountain for you? Why your mind drifts during conversations, you forget appointments, or leave tasks half-finished. Not because you don’t care, but because your brain simply won’t  hold on to the thread? For many women, especially those who’ve experienced trauma, these patterns are often chalked up to “ being scatterbrained,” “anxious,” or “just overwhelmed.” But what if there’s more going on beneath the surface? The Quiet Face of ADD in Women When most people hear “ADHD,” they imagine hyperactivity: bouncing off the walls, interrupting, fidgeting nonstop. But that’s only one part of the picture. The inattentive presentation  of ADD (formerly known as ADD without the H) looks very different. And ADD in women is even more likely to be missed or mislabelled. Women and girls are often socialised to mask their struggles. They might be daydreamers, labelled as “shy” or “spacey.” They might develop anxiety or perfectionism as a way of coping with the internal chaos. Some seem capable on the outside but feel like they’re constantly falling behind, burning out just to stay afloat. My Story: Recognising Myself in the Pages I first came across Gabor Maté’s Scattered Minds  years ago. It fascinated me, especially the links he drew between early trauma and attention difficulties. But still, I thought, “That’s interesting… but it’s not really me.” It wasn’t until much later (just last year, in fact) that something finally clicked. I picked up one of Sari Solden’s  books on women and ADHD, and suddenly I felt like someone had been watching my life and writing it down. Her words captured so many of the things I’d struggled with silently for years: the overwhelm, the guilt, the emotional intensity, the masking. It was like being seen for the first time. That realisation brought a huge wave of relief, grief, and curiosity. Relief that there was an explanation. Grief for all the years I’d blamed myself. And curiosity about how to move forward in ways that support my actual brain, not just the one I was trying to force myself to have. Trauma and Inattentive ADD: A Complicated Mix If you’ve experienced trauma, especially in childhood, the lines between trauma symptoms and ADD symptoms can blur. Dissociation, memory gaps, difficulty focusing, feeling overwhelmed or scattered… these can all be part of the trauma response and  of inattentive ADD. And here’s the thing: you might have both. Trauma can amplify the struggles of a neurodivergent brain. And for many women, the trauma came first, often in environments where their differences were misunderstood or punished instead of supported. In my work with clients, I often hear stories like: “I thought I was lazy for years.” “I can’t remember big chunks of my life.” “I always feel like I’m too much and not enough at the same time.” These are not personal failings. They’re survival strategies that made sense at the time, and they often hide a deeper truth. Signs You Might Have Inattentive ADD (and Not Know It) If any of these resonate, it might be worth exploring further: You struggle to organise your thoughts, plan ahead, or follow through on tasks, even ones you care about deeply. You’re easily distracted, especially when you’re trying to focus. You feel emotionally flooded or paralysed when faced with “simple” decisions. You work hard to mask your struggles, often burning out in the process. You’ve spent years thinking you just weren’t trying hard enough. You hyperfocus on one thing while completely forgetting something else that was time-sensitive. You move between tasks without finishing them, then wonder what you were even doing in the first place. You often leave cabinet doors, drawers, or cupboards open without noticing. (Yes, that’s a thing!) When Everyday Life Feels Like a Puzzle For me, and for many other women with inattentive ADD, procrastination  isn’t about laziness or lack of ambition. It’s about overwhelm. A task that seems small to someone else can feel completely unmanageable when your mind can’t hold the steps in order or predict how long it will take. The result? You put it off, feel awful, and then judge yourself for the spiral. Then there’s object permanence , not just a developmental milestone for babies, but something many adults with ADD struggle with too. If something is out of sight, it’s out of mind. You put the important paperwork in a “safe place”… and never see it again. You clean the house and forget where you’ve put things. You buy doubles and triples of things you already own, but can’t find. Relationships  can also be deeply affected. You might miss social cues, forget birthdays, or zone out during conversations. And carry enormous guilt afterwards. You may find it hard to stay emotionally present in a long conversation or juggle the mental load in a partnership. And often, you’ve internalised the belief that you’re just “too much” or “not enough.” All of this can leave you feeling misunderstood, even in close relationships, especially if the people around you don’t know what’s really going on beneath the surface. What Healing Might Look Like Uncovering a hidden pattern like inattentive ADD can be a huge relief. It brings clarity and self-compassion, two things that are vital in any healing journey. Support for trauma is essential, but so is understanding the way your brain actually works. When women begin to unpick these threads, they often find new possibilities: freedom from shame, better systems of support, and tools that actually work  for their nervous system . In my own work, I offer trauma-informed approaches that respect the whole person: body, mind, energy, and spirit. Whether it’s bodywork to soothe a frazzled system, or coaching to rewire limiting beliefs, the goal is always to help you feel safe in your own skin, and more you  than ever before. Final Thoughts If you’ve been moving through life feeling like something just isn’t adding up, always working harder than others to hold things together, you are not alone. And you are not broken. Your challenges might be rooted in more than just trauma. You may be living with an undiagnosed neurodivergence like inattentive ADD. Hidden, but not uncommon. There is support. There are answers. And there’s a way to make peace with your past and  your brain. Want Support? If any of this feels familiar, I invite you to get in touch. I offer trauma-informed support for women healing from childhood and birth trauma... and I understand how neurodivergence can shape the healing process. Together, we can explore gentle, effective ways to help your nervous system settle, your mind feel clearer, and your body remember what safety feels like. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #TraumaInformed #HealingJourney #NervousSystemSupport #MindBodyHealing #WomenSupportingWomen #InattentiveADHD #ADHDInWomen #HiddenADHD #ADHDAwareness #LateDiagnosisADHD #ADHDAndTrauma #NeurodivergentWomen #LivingWithADHD

A caesarean birth can save lives, and still leave you feeling shaken, disempowered, or unsure about what comes next. Whether your caesarean was planned or an emergency, gentle or traumatic, straightforward or complicated, it may have left a lasting emotional imprint on your body and your confidence. Now you’re looking ahead. Maybe you’re thinking about another baby. Maybe you’re already pregnant. You may feel hopeful and scared, determined and uncertain, and unsure what kind of birth you want this time around. This post is for you. Whatever you choose, whether a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Caesarean) or a planned caesarean, your feelings are valid, your experiences matter, and you deserve support. The Emotional Side of Recovery After a Caesarean Many women are surprised by the emotional weight they carry after a caesarean. You may have been told, “At least you and baby are safe,” as if that should erase everything you went through. But even when the outcome is positive, the experience may have been frightening, rushed, painful, or out of your control. There may be feelings of failure, guilt, or anger. You may not have felt seen, heard, or supported. It’s OK if you still feel shaken. It’s OK if your body holds the memory. It’s OK if you want something different next time. Healing emotionally and physically after a caesarean takes time. For many women, planning their next birth is a powerful part of that process. Planning a VBAC: It Starts With You If you’re considering a VBAC, you may be navigating lots of external opinions from care providers, friends, or family. But the most important voice in the room is yours. VBAC is a safe and valid option for many women. So is choosing a planned repeat caesarean. What matters most is that you feel informed, confident, and supported  in whatever path you take. In my work supporting women after birth trauma, I help clients: Reconnect with their bodies and intuition Explore what they need to feel safe this time around Identify any lingering fears or trauma from their previous birth Develop self-trust, emotional resilience, and nervous system regulation This inner work is what allows real, embodied confidence to grow, not just about birth, but about your ability to make empowered decisions for yourself and your baby. There’s No One “Right” Choice, Only the One That Feels Right for You Some of my clients begin with a clear desire for a VBAC and stay with that choice. Others decide that a planned caesarean feels safest for them, especially if their last birth left deep emotional scars. What matters is not which path you choose, but that you feel supported, not pressured, in making it. If you’re planning a VBAC, you deserve more than clinical facts. You deserve emotional preparation, too. You deserve to feel calm, centred, and connected as you step into this next birth, however it unfolds. Final Thoughts If you’re recovering from a caesarean and preparing for your next birth, you don’t need to carry all the questions and emotions on your own. Whether you choose a VBAC or another caesarean, your voice matters. Your healing matters. You get to write the next chapter, and you don’t have to do it alone. How I Can Support You I offer gentle, trauma-informed support to women preparing for birth after a caesarean. This may include: Rewind therapy , if your last birth still brings up fear or distress QEC , to release limiting beliefs and strengthen self-trust Trauma-informed massage , to help your body feel safe again and reconnect with itself Emotional preparation , to help you feel grounded and ready for whatever kind of birth you choose. If you’re ready to step into this next chapter with more clarity and confidence, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #VBACPreparation #BirthAfterCaesarean #HealingAfterBirth #BirthTraumaRecovery #InformedBirthChoices #BirthConfidence #TraumaInformedSupport #QECHealing #RewindTherapy #InformedChoices

We often hear that “a healthy baby is all that matters.” But for many parents, birth can leave deep emotional and physical wounds that don’t fade once they’re holding their baby in their arms. Traumatic birth isn’t defined by how the birth unfolded on paper. It’s about how you  experienced it. Whether you felt powerless, ignored, unsafe, or out of control. And when those experiences remain unresolved, they can leave long-lasting effects on your body and mind. If you’re still feeling the impact of a difficult birth weeks, months, or even years later, please know: you're not alone. And you're not imagining it. What Birth Trauma Can Feel Like Birth trauma doesn’t always look like how people expect trauma to look. Often, it shows up quietly, in daily life, in the body, in relationships, in how you sleep and feel. You might be experiencing: Flashbacks, nightmares or intrusive images  from the birth High levels of anxiety or panic , especially around hospitals, medical environments or separation from your baby Avoidance , such as refusing to talk about the birth, avoiding certain places, or struggling to attend follow-up medical appointments Hypervigilance , feeling constantly on edge or unable to relax, even when your baby is safe Sleep difficulties , even when your baby sleeps Numbness, dissociation, or emotional shutdown Feelings of guilt, failure, or shame , even when others say “you did your best” Fear of future pregnancies or births , or dread at the idea of going through it again. These are all normal responses to an overwhelming event. You may be experiencing a Post-Traumatic Stress Response (PTSR) , a survival adaptation, not a disorder. Nothing is “wrong” with you. Something happened  to you. You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone Sometimes parents tell me they’ve “waited too long” to seek help. That they thought they should be over it by now, or that their trauma wasn’t as bad as someone else’s. But trauma isn’t a competition, and healing doesn’t run on a schedule. Whether your difficult birth was six weeks ago or six years ago, your story matters. And support is available. In my work, I hold space for people to begin gently letting go of what they’ve been carrying. There’s no pressure to re-tell your story or re-live the moment. You set the pace. You stay in control. What Healing Can Look Like The right support can help you: Sleep more peacefully Let go of intrusive images or panic Feel more connected to your baby, your body, and your instincts Stop avoiding places or conversations that remind you of the birth Rebuild trust in yourself and your choices Begin to feel more grounded and less triggered One of the tools I offer is the 3 Step Rewind technique , a gentle process that helps release the emotional charge from traumatic memories. It usually takes just 2 or 3 sessions to see a noticeable reduction in flashbacks, nightmares, or anxiety around the birth. I also offer trauma-informed massage  to support nervous system regulation, helping your body remember what it’s like to feel safe, calm, and present. For those who want to work with subconscious beliefs that may have formed during a traumatic birth (like “I failed” or “I wasn’t safe”) I also offer QEC (Quantum Energy Coaching) . It’s a gentle but powerful way to shift what you’re carrying beneath the surface, without having to talk through the details. Final Thoughts A difficult birth can leave invisible scars, but you don’t have to carry them forever. You’re allowed to seek support. You’re allowed to heal. And it’s never too late to begin. Because YOU matter! How I Can Support You Whether you’re living with trauma from a recent birth, still feeling the impact of an earlier one, or preparing for another baby and want to feel more confident this time, I offer gentle, trauma-informed support that meets you where you are. You don’t need to explain everything, just show up as you are. I’ll walk beside you. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #BirthTraumaRecovery #PostTraumaticStressResponse #WhenBirthHurts #HealingAfterBirth #TraumaInformedSupport #QECHealing #RewindTechnique #TraumaInformedMassage #BirthTraumaAwareness #YouMatter

When people begin a healing journey, especially after trauma, there's often an unspoken hope: that things will get better and stay  better. That each step forward will feel lighter, easier, clearer. But healing doesn’t unfold in neat, upward steps. It spirals. It pauses. It circles back. And just when you begin to feel a bit safer, that’s often when unexpected emotions or physical sensations rise to the surface. This doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It means your system finally feels safe enough to release what it had to hold onto just to survive. Why It Can Feel Harder Before It Feels Easier For many people, the early stages of healing bring relief: better sleep, fewer flashbacks, a feeling of coming back into the body. But sometimes, this is followed by a wave of emotion or discomfort that seems to come out of nowhere. This is your nervous system saying: Now it’s safe to feel this. Before, your body may have numbed certain memories or sensations to help you cope. Once safety is re-established, whether through trauma-informed massage, somatic support, or other healing work, the body can begin to thaw. That thawing may look like: Unexpected sadness or anger Unfamiliar aches or tension Emotional overwhelm Tiredness or need for more rest A desire to isolate, followed by a need for connection This doesn’t mean the work isn’t helping. It often means it’s working exactly  as it should. Healing Isn't Linear: What It Means to Heal in Layers In trauma recovery, we work with the nervous system in layers. Each time we create more capacity for safety, another layer of held experience may surface. This is natural, and often necessary. You might feel frustrated by this process: I thought I’d already dealt with this.  But the truth is, you’re meeting it now with more support, more regulation, and more choice than you had before. This is not a setback. It’s a deepening. How I Support You Through This Part of the Journey My role is to offer a steady presence and a safe container. Whether we're using massage, breathwork, Rewind, or QEC, I won’t rush you or push you to go where you’re not ready. We begin each massage session by exploring how you want to feel physically, emotionally, and energetically, and tailor everything to that intention. I encourage you to stay connected to your body, your breath, and your own sense of choice. If difficult feelings arise between sessions, you’re welcome to share what’s coming up. Sometimes, simply naming what’s happening in a safe space is part of the release. Book Recommendation If you’d like to explore more about why old emotions or physical symptoms can return once you feel safe, I recommend In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness  by Peter A. Levine . This book explores how the body processes trauma beneath words, through sensations, instincts, and the nervous system. It’s a powerful reminder that healing is not about forcing change, but about gently allowing the body to complete what it couldn’t at the time of trauma. “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.”  – Peter A. Levine Final Thoughts Healing isn’t linear. It moves in spirals, it deepens over time, and it honours your pace. If you’ve started to feel more grounded but find that old feelings are surfacing again, you haven’t failed. You’re not broken. Your body finally trusts that it’s safe to let go. That is a powerful sign of progress. How I Can Support You Whether you're just beginning your healing journey or navigating a deeper layer, I offer gentle, trauma-informed support tailored to your needs. Together, we create the conditions for your nervous system to rest, reset, and release, in your own time, at your own pace. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #HealingIsntLinear #TraumaInformedSupport #SomaticHealing #NervousSystemRecovery #EmotionalSafety #TraumaHealingJourney

Someone shared an article, (Why This Mum Thinks All Women Should Masturbate During Labour) , recently in a Facebook Group I am a member of. Sadly, the idea that women might masturbate during their labour was met with horror! As a doula I am acutely aware that the hormones required for a smooth labour are also produced during lovemaking. This is because the act of sex, or lovemaking, is just one end of the reproduction spectrum whilst birth is towards the other end. reproductive cycle Type: Term Definitions: 1. the cycle that begins with conception and extends through gestation and parturition. (parturition is the medical term for child birth) I was dismayed to see such a disconnect in women about birth and their bodies. So I thought I'd have a go at explaining Birth and Sex. Firstly, here is an amusing video portraying the difficulty couples would face if they tried to have sex in conditions commonly found in many medical maternity models. You can see that it's not ideal. Do you think you could make love with your partner in such conditions? Why, then, should we expect labour to progress in these conditions? Unfortunately, there's a lot of truth in this video when relating to some maternity settings. And so, women are told they are not progressing, that they need a little help and commonly drugs are offered. But their own bodies can produce much of what they need if we can provide the right environment in which they can feel safe, warm, loved and respected. Keri Jarvis explains quite simply in her article printed in iHealth "Oxytocin is key to the progression in labour. It's the hormone that stimulates the uterus to contract... ... and its levels depend on the woman feeling safe, calm, confident, supported, and loved. When this oxytocin is flowing through her, she is more readily able to produce endorphins (endogenous morphine - the body's own pain relievers), and so she is more comfortable. She therefore continues to feel safe and calm, lovely productive oxytocin flows freely, and labour progresses well." The late, great Sheila Kitsinger tells us during the film, Freedom for Birth, that “ Birth isn’t something we suffer, but something we actively do and exult in." I can almost hear you scoffing, that wasn't your experience, right? Or maybe you did? Then please share your story in the comments. Sheila also writes in her book, Birth and Sex , "Birth should not be summed up in terms of sheer pain, as a demonstration of self-control, or as a physiological performance in which a woman puts on an exhibition of athletic breathing skills. In an environment where she knows that she is free to be spontaneous, supported by relationships which enable her to release and trust her body, hormones flow in her bloodstream with the same energy as in ecstatic lovemaking. Birth and sex mingle to become one in the thrilling, sweet, intense and overwhelming experience of creation. It can be mind-blowing and orgasmic." Well, wouldn't that be fabulous? Mark Harris (author of Men, Love and Birth ) agrees that "Female orgasm and birth can be viewed as one event separated by time." Is it wrong to think that birth can be something enjoyable, something pleasurable, something like sex? Why do many still think of sex as something completely disconnected from the birth of the baby? Again, I go back to Sheila: "Pain and pleasure are often very similar. Orgasm can bring a bitter-sweet pain." Amongst the quotes from women she uses is 'Sometimes the pleasure is so acute it is almost too much to bear, almost painful.' If orgasm can be almost painful, couldn't birth be pleasurable? Why shouldn't it be? I asked amongst my colleagues in the birth world what they thought about birth and sex. This generated a fascinating conversation! I am pleased to say that many of the midwives, doulas and birth educators I spoke to will often encourage a women to use her own body in labour and, indeed, Mark says 'respecting privacy and birth are inseparable, the environment suitable for a woman to release herself into orgasm is a similar one suitable for birthing into....if she feels like she had to ask for privacy, the midwife isn't doing her job.' Others commented that they found that women would often unconsciously reach down and stimulate their clitoris during labour, just as Angela Gallo describes in her blogpost mentioned in the article above. I love that some women ARE being provided with a birthing environment which allows them to feel safe enough to follow their instincts. I wish all women were! A fellow doula, Maddie McMahon (author of Why Doulas Matter ) , shared that she "once sat in the kitchen with a midwife looking very uncomfortable as we listened to the buzz of the vibrator during every contraction. It was a quick and apparently pain-free birth," and it was pointed out that clitoral vibrators do come in fully submersible versions. Ideal for those who wish to birth in a pool ...! Virginia Howes, Independent Midwife, shared an that she remembers the wonderful Mary Cronk telling her years ago "that if labour stalls use the clitoris!" However, this appears not to be something that our student midwives are being taught in their core curriculum. This is the kind of ancient wisdom we've been losing over the last century. It is the enlightened and eager student such as Miriam who thinks "it's striking how we live in a world that is so sexualised yet a lot of women feel shame for their pleasure. Then there is a whole group of women that feel shame for not experiencing orgasm for whatever reason either alone or with a partner. I've heard a lot about self pleasure during labour for oxytocin." Miriam continues: "I would love to be able to look into this more. I think its so important. But in 2.5 years of training so far we've not even had a mention of this in lectures, nor any issues surrounding this (not even talking about how to approach sex and pleasure postnatally which is surely part of the postnatal follow up??)" Thankfully, although she finds that in her midwifery training "ALL the reading is medical text" she does her "own additional research and attend workshops etc." I am, for one, thankful to know that student midwives, and qualified midwives, do exist that think outside of the box and actively seek to find out how birth works instead of just learning about the pathology. These midwives would agree with Miriam and Mark that the topic of Birth and Sex is "an area that is under investigated for sure." "But not all women can/do experience arousal/desire/orgasm...." admits Miriam, as well as others. How will these women experience labour? Will they be alarmed or confused if their birthing body experiences sensations they have not discovered before? Will they experience these sensations during labour if it's not their experience in sex. "Women are so frightened of their bodies changing during pregnancy and tearing during birth" was the contribution from Anthonissa Moger. "Nobody talks about how powerful, liberated and free you can feel after birth. I always tell my clients a little secret, that sex can feel so much better after having a baby!" Virginia Howes agrees with me about the reaction I saw in the group I mentioned at the beginning of this blog post, "We are so uptight about women's bodies when it comes to reproduction... Add some scanty underwear, a man or a vibrator in the hands of a sexy model and masturbation comments would be "go girls " all the way ...." And boy! Is she right!! So, the midwifery schools are shying away from discussing the sexual side of birth, and women often have inherited hang-ups about their bodies and sex (something we can thank the Victorian era for), while too many are living with the consequences of sexual abuse. Is it any wonder that many women really struggle with being truly in touch with the reproductive side of their body? Sadly, not every one of those women will experience a sensitive midwife, obstetrician or doula who will provide her that safe space to grow into her sexual reproductive self. This is something we must strive towards! But we really need to start much earlier than when women enter their childbearing years. From the moment a toddler starts exploring her body parts we need to tell her she has a vulva and a vagina (not a flower, or a front bottom, or any of the myriad of silly euphemisms), that it's ok for her to touch herself in private, to explore her body and get to know it but that no-one, I mean no-one, not even a medical care provider, is allowed to touch her without her express permission. (Sadly, sexual abuse happens in many contexts, including within maternity settings. That's a whole other blog post). We need better Sex Ed. in schools with a quality birth component that is not inadvertently designed to scare our children. If little girls grow up confident about their body and its ability to grow, birth and feed a baby we would have women who already instinctively know how to tap into the sexual side of birth. However, more women are now taking back birth and the rise of gold standard antenatal education, such as the Wise Hippo Birthing Programme, as well as the growing numbers of doulas, means that birth no longer has to be that awful painful thing we have grown to expect to endure. More and more women are learning that they can take charge of their own births. They are beginning to believe they can have empowered births. That they might have orgasmic births. They might have pain-free births even. They are hearing that it's ok to explore their body. That it's ok to touch themselves during labour. And why they should!

As we head deeper in to the cold and dark of winter I find myself sinking in to a bad place. Well, I've struggled to get out of it since last year, to be honest. Understandable when having to deal with bereavement and the ensuing clearing of the property and personal belongings, which took a long, l o n g time. We had a buyer for Mum's house but they pulled out with just two weeks until completion. And this has impacted heavily on decisions I had made and plans going forward. So I'm feeling particularly challenged as we head into this winter. I know many of you will be in a similar place, feeling low, struggling with life, dealing with challenges you can really do without. What can we do to get by? Self-care is important. As a massage therapist I obviously recommend regular bodywork. I am so thankful for the massages I enjoy twice a month. They keep me going, still able to function. But I recognise that there are many other ways of caring for yourself and I also know that we're often not good at making sure we do it. Organisations such as Mind can be useful in looking for suggestions . What would work for you? Recognising where you are is a great start and I know that the winter months will always compound any challenges I face. My typical coping strategies are not always the healthiest or beneficial. So I endeavour to do what I need to do in order to avoid getting out of hand. As I shook myself together today in an effort to get outside for some Ecotherapy, walking the dogs to get the benefit of the rare sunshine, I was reminded of the sentiment I posted at the start of the year, during last winter. So I'm adding it again below for those reading who are fortunate enough to be doing OK. If you know someone who appears to be struggling please don't wait for them to ask for help. Read on to understand why. "My door is always open, kettle is always on and my front step is always warm and a place of peace and non judgement, any of my friends who need to chat are welcome anytime. It's no good suffering in silence. I have cold drinks in the fridge tea & coffee in the jars and I will always be here. ...You are never not welcome!! Could at least one friend please copy and repost (not share)? I'm trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening. #SuicideAwareness" Bollocks!! Ok, so variations of this are doing the rounds on Facebook with well-meaning people just now but it’s beginning to really piss me off!! Here are the reasons why: ​ Most people who share probably do have lives with commitments to employers, or others, which mean that they simply cannot be available 24/7. I know they mean well and I’m sure they feel great when they share the sentiment... When I expressed my frustration on my Facebook page a good friend shared with me her perspective on the British psyche when it comes to just popping in unannounced, as suggested by the quote above. I completely agree with her, as both of us were born elsewhere and raised in communities which felt somewhat different. In Britain it feels like it is not the done thing to actually do what the quote suggests. My late mother frequently would lament that despite telling her neighbours, who passed by and spoke to her over the low garden wall, that she would love them to pop in for a cuppa and a chat, they never did. I’m fairly sure some of you reading this will feel that your experience is different. However, it really doesn’t seem like the done thing, the way we ‘do things in Britain’. Which makes it incredibly hard to take that step and knock on someone’s door to say hello. Especially when you don’t feel especially bright and cheery. And even though they’ve offered an open invitation....... As someone who has coped with depression before, and who is currently grieving, and who has supported others with suicidal thoughts, I can quite categorically assure you that the people this quote wishes to help are NOT in a place to turn up at someone’s door. As I have already explained it doesn’t seem like the done thing, and people are often busy. Which means that getting up the strength and will to go round to another’s house is not easy, when we’re depressed, or grieving, or coping with mental health issues, including feeling suicidal. W​e are in a bad place before we even start and so we don’t feel that we can go and impose our 'black dog' on their doorstep. We worry that our friend is so busy with their own life that we can’t take up any of their time. We fear that we will turn up at an inconvenient time. If we do find the ability to go to someone’s door and they’re not in or it’s inconvenient it can leave us feeling worse! Often we feel that we really can’t put into words what we are feeling without others being judgmental, at worst, or just not getting it, at best. People will try to be reassuring or helpful but it often inadvertently makes the one suffering feel like their feelings are not validated. Have you ever said “Oh, don’t be silly, of course you’re [insert platitude here]” to someone who is explaining to you what is troubling them? So, we withdraw our ‘silly’ selves further... So, instead of sharing this stuff on social media, try calling the people you know who are currently struggling. SHOW them you care! DO something. Be assertive. Be proactive. Call them/private message them/text them and arrange to meet up. Get your diary out so that you can schedule something with them, so they know you’ve set aside time for them, so they don’t worry about imposing at an inconvenient time. And don't give up if they are not quite ready to accept the first time you suggest. Because they are unlikely to be in a place where they can make the first move. They need to be nurtured, they need to feel worthy. They can’t pour from an empty jug but you can fill it. It’s much easier to accept something that is offered than to ask for something you need, isn’t it? If you do call, leave a voicemail if they aren’t able to answer. Tell them you will call back. However, your initial contact might be all they need to have the strength to call you back first. Just don’t expect it. Of course, I am fairly sure I’ve been just as guilty when others have needed support. And so I resolve to be more mindful about this and make sure I do step up for others. I do know from experience that the idea behind the quote is actually extremely helpful. It can make a huge difference to be able to share our pain with someone who listens without judgment or conditions. It feels like a weight is lifted and we feel stronger. But to get there we need you to do more than just offer a vague opportunity. We need you to be specific with your offer. You can make a difference. BUT , and it's a big but . So many of these chain status update things are merely emotional extortion. Yes, I'm afraid it is, no matter how much some might protest. We are all made to feel like we're insensitive if we don't copy and paste. And some are downright dangerous in terms of scamming or phishing.. I'll leave you to read more about them here: "Repost this if you have a heart. Emotional extortion on Facebook" Please. Stop. Think before you update your status with something you've read on another person's wall. Is it useful? Does it actually make a difference to someone? Like, a tangible difference? If not, maybe you should scroll on by. #depression #mydoorisalwaysopen #selfcare #suicideawareness #safeTALK #unconditional #massage #life

As a therapist I will sometimes feel that clients expect me to fix them and will want all the bells and whistles in their massage. I’ll feel the need to use every available stroke I know of that might help the particular issue they’ve come with. I worry that I might let them down, not be effective, not be good enough. However, if I remove my own limiting beliefs and remember the many days of training I do every year, I know that less is more. Using fewer strokes so that I do more of just a few is actually more powerful than throwing in the whole shebang. Our brains can switch off with the security of the repetition of rhythmic, soothing massage strokes. Yesterday I went to my massage therapist for one of my twice monthly massages. It’s often hard for us to switch off our therapist heads and go in with a client mindset. However, with the knowledge I have I was able to confidently say I wanted less. I wanted some deeper work on my spine to realign and lighter work everywhere else, I wanted it to be slow. I love to feel strong, tall, capable, effortless, graceful.... like a ballerina, after my massage. My massage table set up in my therapy space Having said that I wanted ‘less is more’, because I know that is usually the best way to get my brain to switch off and go into that magical place between awake and sleep, I did worry slightly that I wouldn’t get there. Well, I focused on my breathing, I thought about my positive outcome, I lingered on how the touch felt, I got swept along by the music and disappeared into the neverworld. My mind was empty. No cares. No stresses. How could I have ever doubted the magic of repetitive, rhythmical, soothing, flowing touch? I don’t really remember it all but I know my NO HANDS Massage Therapist used just a few strokes and yes, less is most definitely more ! Once dressed I walked around the room noticing what felt different. I was walking easily, smoothly, effortlessly. I felt calm and confident. Tall and straight. It’s not that she did anything in particular to ‘fix’ me. I mean, she only used a few strokes out of the toolbox. What she did was give me space to let go, to release. And so I could set down the stress of modern life and walk out feeling recharged, reset, rejuvenated. How would YOU like to feel? Get in touch now to book your massa ge.

For many people, massage is thought of as a way to ease sore shoulders or take a short break from daily stress. But if you've lived through trauma, especially the kind that lingers in the body, the idea of lying down and letting someone touch you might feel more overwhelming than relaxing. Trauma-informed massage recognises this. It creates space for your body to feel safe enough to soften, at your own pace, in your own time. Let’s explore how this approach differs from conventional massage, and why emotional safety, choice, and presence matter just as much as the physical techniques. The Limits of Conventional Massage Traditional massage often focuses on physical tension. A therapist might ask where it hurts, apply a certain technique, and aim to release the knot. But trauma doesn’t just live in the muscles. It can affect how we relate to touch, how safe we feel in our own skin, and whether our nervous system can relax at all. Without acknowledging this, massage (even with the best of intentions) can sometimes feel too fast, too clinical, or too disconnected. It might leave a client feeling exposed, or worse, triggered. What Makes Trauma-Informed Massage Different? Trauma-informed massage shifts the focus from “fixing” the body to listening  to it. Rather than assuming what the client needs, the therapist follows their cues. This might mean checking in more often, offering options, or adjusting the pace. It’s not about applying pressure to make change happen. It’s about creating the conditions where change feels possible. There’s a quiet respect in this kind of work. A sense that nothing has to be pushed through. That softening isn’t expected, but gently invited. Emotional Safety Comes First For the body to feel safe enough to soften, it has to know it’s not under threat. This is why trauma-informed therapists pay close attention to creating emotional safety. It starts before any physical work begins, with a conversation that values your boundaries, honours your lived experience, and never rushes you into anything. You might choose to stay fully clothed, to lie in a certain position, or to focus only on certain areas of the body. You’re allowed to change your mind. You’re allowed to pause. In this space, your “no” is just as welcome as your “yes.” The Power of Choice and Presence Trauma often leaves people feeling powerless. That’s why offering choice is a vital part of this work. Before every massage, we begin by exploring how you want to feel, both during the session and afterwards. We talk through the different styles I offer, so you can choose how you’d like the massage to feel each time. You’re also invited to focus on your preferred outcome during the session, tuning in to your breath, the sensations of touch, and the way the music supports the process. This gentle focus helps you stay present, quiet your mind, and sometimes even reach the hypnagogic state... that deep, dreamy space between waking and sleep. I hold the space with safety and presence, but the real work, the softening, the releasing, is yours to do, in your own time. What also makes a difference is presence. Trauma-informed therapists bring calm, steady attention. There’s no rush, no agenda. Just someone beside you, attuned to how your body responds. That kind of presence can be deeply regulating for the nervous system. Sometimes, it’s the first time in a long time that the body feels fully met. It’s Not Just Muscles That Soften So often, clients tell me, “I didn’t even realise how much I was holding until I let go.” That release isn’t forced. It happens when the body decides it’s safe to let go. When it no longer needs to brace, shrink, or stay on alert. In trauma-informed massage, we’re not trying to “fix” the body. We’re meeting it where it is. With gentleness. With choice. With respect for everything it’s been holding. Final Thoughts If you’ve tried massage before and it didn’t feel right, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It might simply mean that your body needed a different kind of care. Trauma-informed massage isn’t just about easing physical tension. It’s about creating a space where the nervous system can begin to feel safe again. Where softening is earned, not expected. And where every part of you is welcome. You’re Welcome Just As You Are Whether your body is ready to soften or still needs time, you don’t need to explain or justify your response. I offer a gentle, trauma-informed approach that honours your pace and your preferences. You can read more about my massage work on my website , or get in touch if you’d like to ask a few questions before booking. You don’t have to be completely calm to begin. You just need to feel safe enough . 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #TraumaInformedMassage #SafeTouch #EmotionalSafety #SomaticHealing #MassageForTrauma #TraumaHealingJourney #BodyAndMindHealing #NervousSystemSupport #HealingFromWithin

When we think about birth, the stories we hear often focus on joy, celebration, and the arrival of new life. But for many women, birth isn’t just a beginning. It’s a moment that marks the start of ongoing distress, fear, or confusion. If your memories of giving birth leave you shaky, tearful, or unable to sleep, with flashback and nightmares, you’re not alone. You may be experiencing what’s known as a Post-Traumatic Stress Response . Why I Use the Term ‘Response,’ Not ‘Disorder’ You may have heard the term PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) used to describe the kinds of symptoms that can follow trauma. I prefer to say Post-Traumatic Stress Response , because the word disorder  implies something is wrong with you . But trauma is not your fault. This is something that happened to  you. And your body’s responses... the flashbacks, the anxiety, the hypervigilance ...are your nervous system’s way of trying to protect you after something overwhelming. These are not signs of brokenness. They’re signs of survival. How Birth Trauma Can Show Up Afterwards Trauma isn’t always about what happened medically during the birth, It’s about how you felt during the experience. Many women describe feeling ignored, frightened, powerless, or unheard. Sometimes birth trauma is linked to emergency situations or intense physical pain, but sometimes it’s the quieter absence of emotional support that leaves the deepest mark. You may notice: Flashbacks  that seem to come out of nowhere Nightmares  that leave you exhausted A sense that you’re always on edge  or can’t relax Difficulty bonding with your baby Feelings of shame , confusion, or guilt These are incredibly common. They don’t mean you’re failing as a parent, They mean your nervous system is still trying to make sense of what happened. What Healing from Flashbacks and Nightmares Can Look Like Healing from birth trauma takes time, but it is  possible. Your body, your mind, and your emotions all hold pieces of the story. And they all deserve support. In my work, I offer gentle, trauma-informed approaches that meet you where you are. We go at your pace. There’s no pressure to talk through the details of your birth unless you  want to. Instead, we focus on restoring a sense of safety, choice, and connection: with your body, with your emotions, and with your own inner knowing. One of the tools I offer is the 3 Step Rewind technique , which is especially effective for those experiencing symptoms like nightmares and flashbacks. It’s a gentle, non-invasive process that doesn’t require you to relive what happened. For a single traumatic event, such as a difficult birth, most people find that just two or three sessions are enough to bring significant relief. Many clients tell me they begin to feel lighter, calmer, and more in control again. The 3 Step Rewind technique is one of several trauma-informed approaches I offer. It’s ideal when flashbacks or nightmares feel stuck in the nervous system. Because it’s gentle and non-intrusive, it fits beautifully alongside body-based work like massage or QEC. We begin with emotional safety and build from there. Final Thoughts If you’re finding it hard to feel safe, to sleep, or to let go of what happened, please know this: you are not alone, and you are not broken. You are having a completely human response to something that left an imprint. With the right support, it’s possible to soften that imprint: to sleep more peacefully, to feel more at home in your body, and to reconnect with the life you want to live. While this post focuses on birth trauma, I work with people who are recovering from any  experience that has left them feeling stuck in survival mode. Whether your trauma came from medical events, accidents, loss, or something harder to name, your story is welcome here. How I Can Support You I offer trauma-informed massage and therapeutic approaches, including 3 Step Rewind, that can help soothe your nervous system and bring your body out of a state of high alert. If you’re ready to explore what healing might look like for you , I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #PostTraumaticStressResponse #BirthTraumaRecovery #TraumaInformedSupport #HealingAfterBirth #NightmaresAfterBirth #RewindTherapy #TraumaHealingJourney #TraumaInformedTherapist #SomaticSupport

Have you ever been told you're overreacting, too sensitive, or that you should just let it go? If so, you're not alone. Many people who carry the effects of trauma find their experiences minimised, even by well-meaning friends, professionals, or family members. But trauma isn’t just something that lives in the mind. It's something that leaves an imprint on the body, shaping the way we breathe, sleep, feel, and relate to others. And if you've been feeling like you just can’t “think your way” into feeling better, there’s a good reason for that. Let’s talk about why trauma is not “just in your head” and how your body plays a powerful role in healing. Trauma is a Whole-Body Experience Trauma isn't only about what happened. It’s about how your body responded in the moment and what it had to do to survive. Whether you fought, fled, froze, or fawned, your nervous system was working hard to protect you. The trouble is, those protective patterns don’t always switch off once the danger has passed. You might notice signs like: A tight chest or shallow breathing A constant sense of being on edge Digestive issues or unexplained pain Difficulty sleeping or feeling exhausted no matter how much rest you get A sense of numbness, fog, or disconnection from your body or emotions These are not signs of weakness or failure. They’re signs that your body has been carrying too much for too long. It’s Not About Willpower or Thinking Positively One of the most damaging myths about trauma is that it’s something we should be able to “get over” with enough time or willpower. But trauma doesn’t live in the logical parts of the brain. It lives in the body, especially in the parts of the nervous system that are built for survival, not thinking. That’s why trying to talk yourself out of a trauma response often doesn’t work. You might know  you're safe now, but your body might still be reacting as if you're not. And until your body feels safe, it's very hard for your mind to fully relax. This isn’t your fault. Your responses make sense in the context of what you’ve been through. The Body Remembers, and It Can Heal Your body is wise. It remembers what it’s been through, and it also holds the potential for healing. As Dr Peter Levine writes in Waking the Tiger , trauma is not a life sentence. It is an injury that can be repaired when the body is gently supported. This is the heart of the work I do. Whether through trauma-informed massage, 3 Step Rewind or Quantum Energy Coaching (QEC), I help you create a sense of safety in the body. Together, we support your nervous system to regulate. We do this not by pushing or analysing, but by listening, witnessing, and responding with care. When the body begins to feel safe, real change becomes possible. You may start to notice shifts in how you sleep, how you breathe, and how connected you feel, both to yourself and to others. Final Thoughts You may have been feeling stuck, frozen, or constantly overwhelmed, but please know that your body isn’t betraying you. It has been doing its best to protect you. Healing isn’t about getting rid of the past. It is about building safety in the present. And your body has the capacity to do that with the right support. How I Can Support You If you're experiencing the physical effects of trauma, such as tension, numbness, flashbacks, or exhaustion, you are not alone. I offer gentle, trauma-informed support to help your body find its way back to safety. You're welcome to get in touch to explore how we might work together. I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. 👉 Contact Me 👉 View My Services #NervousSystemSupport #TheBodyRemembers #TraumaInformed #SomaticHealing #HealingJourney #BodyMindConnection #TraumaRecovery #FromSurvivalToSafety #ItWasNeverAllInYourHead

Sustainable Healing Begins With Gentle, Consistent Support A Path, Not a Destination Healing doesn’t happen all at once. It unfolds gradually, often in layers, as your body and mind feel safe enough to begin letting go. For those of us who carry trauma, especially from early life, birth experiences, or intergenerational patterns, recovery is not a straight line. There might be times of relief, followed by periods of emotional intensity or fatigue. This doesn’t mean you’re going backwards. It means your system is doing exactly what it needs: integrating. Trying to “fix” everything quickly can sometimes be overwhelming. What’s more helpful is to focus on building capacity, learning to feel safe, grounded, and more connected in your everyday life. That’s what makes deeper healing possible. Listening to Your Body's Needs Over Time As you move forward in your healing, your needs will change. Early on, you might crave rest, stillness, and comfort. Later, you might feel more ready for deeper emotional work, or even reconnecting with creativity or joy. This is all part of your body’s intelligence. It knows what you’re ready for, and when. Learning to listen to your body in this way is a practice in itself. It’s not always easy, especially if you’ve had to disconnect from your body to feel safe. That’s why working gently and consistently is so important. It helps rebuild trust in your inner signals and responses. What Sustainable Self-Care Looks Like Sustainable self-care isn’t about bubble baths or occasional treats (although those can be lovely too). It’s about weaving practices into your everyday life that help you feel more present, more resourced, and more like yourself. That might look like: • Letting go of perfectionism around your healing journey • Having regular supportive touch, like nurturing massage • Creating small rituals that help you regulate: like a few minutes of breathing, journaling, or walking barefoot on grass • Reaching out for connection when you notice signs of emotional isolation • Making time for something that feels joyful or creative These small, regular actions create a foundation. They gently increase your nervous system’s capacity and help you feel less reactive and more resilient.. Let Your Therapist Know if You’re Struggling Sometimes, especially after a session or during a period of emotional release, you might experience a healing crisis... a temporary worsening of symptoms as your body processes old wounds. This can feel unsettling, but it’s not unusual. Letting your therapist know if anything difficult arises between sessions is important. You don’t have to carry it alone or wait until your next appointment. Your healing should feel supported, not overwhelming. Recommended Reading If you're looking to deepen your understanding of how self-care and healing practices affect your brain and body chemistry, I recommend The DOSE Effect by TJ Power. The book explores how simple, consistent habits can boost your natural levels of dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins — the “feel-good” chemicals that support long-term wellbeing. It’s a practical and encouraging read for anyone on a healing path. Since reading The Dose Effect I have changed some of my daily practices and have promised myself to continue moving away from the habits I had fallen into with technology. I took the plunge, literally, and signed up to my local leisure centre to go swimming regularly. Something that I had been considering for years, but had never followed through on. Take a Moment Take a moment to notice: what kind of support feels most nourishing for you right now? What would it look like to offer that to yourself regularly? Final Thoughts Healing takes time, but it also becomes more easeful with the right support. You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. Whether you’re in the early stages of healing or navigating a new phase, I offer trauma-informed approaches that meet you where you are and support your nervous system to gently shift out of survival mode. 💜 If you’re ready to take the next step on your healing journey, I'm here to support you. . Whether you’re looking for a calm space to reconnect with your body or ready to explore deeper healing, we’ll find the approach that feels right for you. #TraumaHealing #NervousSystemHealing #HealingFromTrauma #SomaticHealing #TraumaInformedCare #safe #IntergenerationalHealing #TraumaRecovery #HealingJourney #BreakTheCycle