Somebody asked me if I wanted my baby to die, and I died a little inside...
I first wrote the list below about 7 or so years ago. Please be aware that it might be Triggering for some. This is a post about the Trauma that some women experience during childbirth. It is very important to know that many women will have wonderful, empowered births and that lots of midwives, doulas and other birth workers are working tirelessly to improve maternity services for the better.
I hate that I was so naive as to expect 'Them' to guide me through labour
I hate that 'Their' ARM (Artificial Rupture of Membranes) was the beginning of the end, as my baby was back to back with a deflexed head and I was lying down for Foetal Scalp Electrode
I hate that 'They' asked me if I wanted my baby to die. (It was actually a Him)
I hated the shivering
I hated the vomiting afterwards, so much so that I had to ask for less effective pain relief so that I wouldn't be sick
I hated having to care for a baby with an abdominal scar as well as a broken wrist (broken a week before I went into labour)
I hate that I couldn't even look at my scar for years afterwards
I hate that I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression and my marriage broke down
I hate that I lost two years of memories. I can't really remember that much of life back then
I hate that 18 years on I could still cry about it. (he's 23 years old now and I no longer cry)
I hate that my Vaginal Birth After Caesarean nearly 12 years later was affected by the primary Caesarean and I ended up with spinal and forceps and not feeling the birth
I hate my episiotemy